"WHAT U JUST EXPERIENCED WAS AN ANXIETY ATTACK!" SAID THE DOCTOR.
"PHYSICALLY, U R AS HEALTHY AS A BULL. UR HEART IS FINE, ALTHOUGH U DO HAVE SYMPTOM OF GERD, BUT IT WILL GO AWAY ON ITS OWN."
"SO, IF THAT WAS THE CASE , WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?" I ASKED.
"WHAT U R SUFFERING FROM IS MORE PSYCHOLOGICAL, NOT PHYSICAL. IT'S A CLASSIC CASE OF PSYCHOSOMATIC." REPLIED THE DOCTOR.
I LOOKED BLANK, AND TO THIS THE DOCTOR EXPLAINED, "WHEN SOMEONE WORRIES, OR STRESSES OVER SOMETHING OF A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, THE WORRIES BECOME ROOTED IN THEIR SUB-CONSCIOUS SO DEEP THAT THE BRAIN WILL SEND THE SIGNALS TO THE STOMACH AND RESULTING IN THE OVER PRODUCTION OF THE GAS CAUSING HEART BURN AND IN TURN THE BODY MIMICS THE EFFECT OF A HEART ATTACK. I CAN RECOMMEND U A SHRINK, IF U WANT."
WTF???? I WANDER INSIDE, SO I'VE BEEN A NUTCASE ALL THIS TIME AND NOT REALIZING IT.
THAT WAS WHAT I FOUND OUT QUITE RECENTLY...
I THOUGHT I WAS HAPPY, SPIRITUALLY CONTENTED, I THOUGHT I WAS FINE. BUT AS IT TURNED OUT, IT'S MORE SERIOUS THAN I REALIZE.
THAT WHOLE CONFRONTATION WAS LIKE A PAINFUL SLAP OF WAKE UP CALL TO MY FACE. I TOOK IT HARD.
I TRIED TO LOOK BACK TO WHEN IT ALL BEGIN. WHAT WAS THE CAUSES OF IT? TRIED TO LOOK FOR THE ANSWER...
I SAT IN ZEN MEDITATION, JUST SITTING, NOT CONCENTRATING, NOT CONTEMPLATING, NOT FOCUSING ON ANYTHING. I JUST SAT FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT. JUST SAT... FACING THE WALL. JUST WITNESSING, JUST WATCHING NOT GETTING CAUGHT IN EVERY STREAM OF THOUGHTS THAT CAME IN AND OUT, JUST WATCHING, FLASHBACK OF MY PAST, ALL THE PAINFUL STUFF, ALL THE HEARTACHES, ALL THE DISAPPOINTMENTS, ALL THE NEGATIVITY, ALL THE DRAMAS, ALL THE WORRIES, AND MOST OF ALL, MY FEAR, DEEP ROOTED FEAR. I SAW WHAT I WAS REALLY AFRAID OF. FEAR OF LOSS, FEAR OF REJECTION, FEAR OF BEING DISAPPOINTED, FEAR OF NOT BEING ACKNOWLEDGED, AND THE BIGGEST FEAR OF THEM ALL, FEAR OF LOVE.
YES, THE TRUTH IS I AM SOOOO AFRAID OF LOVE. THE VERY THOUGHT OF LOVE SCARES ME. I INSTANTLY PUT DOWN MY SHIELD WHENEVER THERE'S AN OPPORTUNITY TO LOVE. TO PROTECT MYSELF. TO PROTECT ME FROM GETTING HURT, TO PROTECT ME FROM BEING REJECTED. MY WHOLE DEFENSE MECHANISM WAS LIKE, I'M GONNA HURT U FIRST BEFORE U HURT ME. IT HAS BEEN LIKE THIS SINCE I CAN REMEMBER. FOR 3 YEARS I'M NOT WITH ANYONE. UNTIL 1 YEAR AGO, SOMEONE CAME INTO MY LIFE AND TEAR DOWN MY WALL, BROKE DOWN ALL MY DEFENSE MECHANISM. THIS PERSON FORCE ME TO FACE MY FEAR, CHALLENGE ME TO LOVE. LIKE A MIRROR, THIS PERSON REFLECTS EVERY PART OF ME THAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DENY MY ENTIRE LIFE. THIS PERSON IS EVERY PART LIKE ME. I WAITED FOR A YEAR FOR THIS PERSON TO OPEN UP TO ME, AND NOW THAT MOMENT HAS ARRIVED... BY NOW I'M SOOO IN LOVE, THAT IT SCARES ME. THAT IS WHEN IT HITS ME, IF THIS WAS TRUE LOVE, THEN WHY IS THERE FEAR AS WELL? THIS IS THE BIG QUESTION!!! THIS IS WHAT ALMOST DRIVES ME INTO A LOONY HOUSE.
THIS PROCESS OF MEDITATION WENT ON FOR HOURS, TO THE POINT WHERE I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I WAS THINKING TO MY SELF, IF DEATH IS COMING TO GET ME NOW, SO BE IT! I DROPPED EVERYTHING, TOTALLY LETTING GO. I WAS IN TOTAL SURRENDER...
THEN, SOMETHING EXTRAORDINARY HAPPENED.... AMIDST ALL THE MAMBO JUMBO OF THOUGHTS THAT WENT INTO MY MIND, SUDDENLY I SAW A SEPARATION. THERE WERE THE THOUGHTS, THEN AT THE SAME TIME THERE WAS THE WITNESS, WHO IS THINKING NOW, WHO IS FEELING ALL THIS FEAR, I KEPT ASKING, KEPT ASKING, KEPT ASKING.... THERE'S THE FEELING, THERE'S THE THOUGHT, BUT THERE'S NO ONE FEELING, THERE'S NO ONE THINKING... TOTAL SILENCE, JUST THE WITNESSING, JUST THE WATCHING.
THEN, EVERYTHING WAS CLEAR.... LIKE A CRYSTAL, EVERYTHING WAS CLEAR...
ALL THIS TIME, IT HAS BEEN THE EGO!!! YES, IT WAS THE EGO FEARING. IT WAS NOT ME, IT WAS NOT LOVE, IT WAS THE EGO. IT WAS THE EGO THAT WAS AFRAID OF LOVE, AFRAID OF DISAPPOINTMENT, AFRAID OF LOSS, AFRAID OF REJECTION... IT HAS BEEN THE EGO ALL ALONG... JUST LIKE A DARK ROOM AT A SWITCH OF THE LIGHT, EVERYTHING DISAPPEARS. THE EGO DISAPPEARS...
ALL THAT'S LEFT WAS THIS BLISSFUL STATE OF AWARENESS. IT WAS SO PEACEFUL. FULL OF LOVE. I REALIZED I HAD IDENTIFIED WITH THE EGO TO BE MY THOUGHTS, MY FEELINGS, EVERYTHING. BUT IN REALITY, THE EGO IS ILLUSORY, NOT REAL. 'I AM' REAL, I AM THE DIVINE, THE WITNESS...
SO WHO'S AFRAID OF LOVE NOW? HOW CAN I BE SO AFRAID OF LOVE? I AM LOVE! ALWAYS HAVE BEEN! IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER OR NOT MY LOVE IS BEING RETURNED. THE EGO WOULD HAVE KILLED TO HAVE IT'S LOVE RETURNED! BUT HOW CAN I BE AFRAID OF NOT BEING LOVED IN RETURNED? THAT'S LIKE THE OCEAN ASKING FOR A PINCH OF SALT! I LAUGHED OUT A BIG BELLY LAUGHTER!
JUST LIKE THAT!!!
NEVER BORN, NEVER DIED...
HOW CAN THE OCEAN ASK FOR A PINCH OF SALT?
LOVE IS FORMLESS...